(This is no sob story, just processing whats going on in my head and sharing incase it helps anyone else.)

Looking back on my early childhood I can remember Christmas being my favourite time of year, my mum and dad would both be In the house and we would have Christmas day just the 3 of us.

I think that Christmas started to loose its magic when I found out Santa wasn’t real because my parents had forgot to put my presents out the evening before. I remember that by then I had worked it all out and knew Santa wasn’t real but what I remember about that morning was the sinking feeling in my chest that I didn’t matter, the magic of Christmas was gone because my parents forgot about it. To many this may seem trivial and a normal occurrence but my point is that flood of emotion and the feeling that I didn’t matter any more, that’s pretty sad for a child on Christmas morning.

My mum always found Christmas hard (especially before she had me) as her Dad passed away close to Christmas ( My mum also has BPD, she was a medical professional but never wanted to ask for help, so didn’t get it) She would tell me all her worries and sad stories like I was somehow meant to validate it all, as a pretty young child. When I reflect on these memories I can hear my DBT coach in my head saying “is this an appropriate person to talk to about this” – The answer is no! I needed her love and support but instead many times I was expected to be the adult in the relationship, not that I could see all this then. Weird to think that as a child I was expected to be emotionally mature and now I find it extremely challenging to manage my own emotions and responses.

Anyway I’m getting off topic… Christmas….

As an adult Christmas has always been a challenge as so many memories and associations come back. I guess its similar for many people however mine include the feeling of being unimportant, the feeling of not being enough or wanted and the heavy sadness that comes with it. Its been getting harder over the last 5 years as the man I married ( now separated) used this time of year against me and left me around Christmas so the feelings I used to get anyway are so much stronger now. It really doesn’t help that apparently many people think Christmas starts in mid October!!

I feel like I need to write this for myself to validate how low I am at the moment, I’m so scared of Christmas this year as I’m already hurting so much and have been invited to family that iv not been invited too for Christmas  before (because I’m going to be alone otherwise…not that that was an issue for them the 3 years I sat in my room alone for all or most of Christmas day.)I am just finding it very hard to understand why I would be invited now if not out of pity to be honest. I have also had to ask my own Dad to come at Christmas because otherwise he would be off with his girlfriends family as always, and that really hurts that I would have to even ask. I’m also scared because I’m in a long distance relationship at the moment and I will need to use so many skills to remind myself its a lot harder for us to see each other for Christmas than it would if he was local.

Its just all getting a bit much really, I’m trying to use skills to deal with this but its so hard when nothing is settled and its so clear that every one has someone more important to be focusing on and I just get left on the side lines once more. I guess it is what it is, I always need to be the one who’s understanding and steps back from people to make their lives easier, it always seems to be me and I’m not sure why. In this moment I feel completely alone.

2019