If you follow my Facebook or Instagram page then you will know how passionate I am about DBT and teaching it to others but like with everything in life its not perfect on every level. I have a few mixed feelings at times and thought id share them encase anyone else was feeling similar. There are also a couple of examples of how I have reframed these thoughts and how that’s helped me.

Do you every get really wilful about using your DBT skills? if the answer to that was yes, let me tell you that you are not alone.

Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT for short) is the treatment recommended for people with Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as EUPD or EID) In this post I want to share a couple of my contradicting views on how I feel when using these skills when I am feeling at my lowest.

I am one of these people who believes everything happens for a reason and I do think it’s kind of strange how the worst year of my life came about after I finally got and completed DBT.

I can tell you for a fact (well I think it is) that DBT has saved my life. I wouldn’t have been able to get through all that I have without the skills I learnt In DBT.

In previous years my (ex) husband would leave me and i would react to the pain by hurting myself as I couldn’t see a life past the pain. However this time when he left and then so much more followed I fought for myself internally and I am still here 18months later.

In the last 18months my husband left for good but will not divorce me and I have had no contact for over a year, my snake died, my uncle had a stroke and lost most of his sight, may nan became really unwell and was dying but the doctors saved her and died 6months later she died in a nursing home that she always said she would rather die than go to. I have also had 3 relationships that have ended in pain and heartache, my dads had a hip replacement, another uncles had cancer, my mums still not able to have an appropriate conversation with me so that’s another relationship lost again, then all the Covid stuff and lockdown and thoughts around that and there is a lot more that it probably too personal to share if I’m honest and although with each blow I feel like I cant go on….somehow I keep finding a way and I know that the base of that is DBT skills. It makes me feel really proud that even if I don’t seem 100% on the outside I know all I need to do is survive these moments.

On the flip side however using these skills makes me feel so alone in the darkest of times because honestly I am the only one who can get myself through and sometimes I just want someone to make it all better…but I know they cant. They can make a difference or give ideas or just be there but it’s me who needs to do the work and a lot of the time its not easy.

Although there is a place for phone coaching a lot of the times I know what they are going to say so it’s all about working on the wilfulness, working out what’s getting in the way and then overcoming that so I can than work on my thoughts, urges, mood and mindset. These days if I’m honest they don’t really get back to me ether as they are so busy.

Although on reflection writing this I can see it’s actually a good thing that i can do it alone most of the time, but at times it feels like there is no way out anymore. When I go to the draw in my head that’s marked suicide its stuck, like it wont open (sadly that’s not so consistent at the moment ) and it makes me so angry as it reminds me that it’s not an option. I’m stuck here and there isn’t an option to leave. It makes me think of the big list of stuff that just keeps coming and then put myself in my Dads shoes because a lot of my list is also on his…how could I add to his list and throw my own away….in those moments when I realize that it’s hard but I know I have to keep trying for him, if not for me. So I go back to the DBT skills and try again.

Having the skills and knowing that your the one who has to do the work when you feel like you have nothing left to give is bloody hard, I wont lie to you, it is but it’s always worth it.

It feels lonely knowing that ultimately its up to you to save yourself but then ok let’s flip it again… its empowering to know what deep down I know now what to do ( most of the time) to be able to find a way through the darkness on my own.

I have really got to the point in life where it’s really true that I don’t need anyone else to save me, I would just really like someone to sit with me while I save myself. Although sometimes a brake would be good.

Sometimes I hate using DBT skills and feel so wilful because when you need them the most is when they are hardest to access and implement but I can not stress this enough…I am always glad I put the work in once the intensity of the emotion has reduced. In the moment I don’t want to try anymore or I’m too exhausted but let me remind you that it takes energy to be in crisis….if yours are anything like me my smart watch goes off telling me I’m doing a work out because my muscles are so tense and my heart rate gets so high….. what experience would you rather have at the end of the day?

It feels like bullshit but this is on us a lot of the time…we can get help, advice and support but we are the ones who need to fight the wilfulness and put the work in to listen to the advice and people supporting us.

When all is said and done though I honestly believe I wouldn’t be here without having these skills. If the past shows me anything its that even though I am struggling in many ways the main thing is I’m still alive and here to keep trying.

*I actually wrote this around a year ago and never published it as things where so much more overwhelming and I’m only just finding my feet again.